Author Archives: Nothing But Words and Wine

Leaving

1

My first doctors appointment, checking in appointment, and everything else with the exception of the birth and the scans, I was alone. I remember weeping, hidden in the toilets of Mothercare, alone, surrounded by couples and families, exuberant grandparents grabbing and exclaiming at blankets, tiny pairs of socks. I felt her move inside me and pushed a trolley around alone, gathering moses basket, blankets, sheets, steriliser, baby monitor and all the other essentials. I’d gotten the grant I’d been forced to use to buy them the previous day as I’d been made redundant in my 13th week and was struggling financially by this stage. It couldn’t wait, I knew the money … Continue reading →

Domestic Bliss & Bloodshed

3

Two weeks ago, G had an operation on his back. He slipped a disc last March and finally the date arrived to get it sorted. This of course is wonderful, but it does mean that he a) cannot drive for 6 weeks, b) cannot work for 6- possibly 8 because he’s a chef and his work is very physical- weeks, and c) because of a & b, he’s living with me while he’s off. This is a huge adjustment for us. G works five days a week, leaving at 9am and usually arriving home around midnight as the restaurant is a 45 minute drive from my house. So although I’m now in … Continue reading →

Wine

4

Most of you know, I’m rather partial to a glass of wine of an evening. I make so secret of this. I didn’t drink for about 18 months while I was pregnant and while Chops was breastfeeding, but after she started only wanting a feed last thing at night I saw no harm in having an occasional glass- probably once a week if that. Now I’m the first to admit, the frequency of this habit has increased since then. I reckon (being totally honest) that I have a glass of wine four or five nights a week. Once or twice a week that will be two glasses. And I’ll admit, that there … Continue reading →

Turning A Corner

Reply

Although in the end it turned into a bit of shambles, my time volunteering at the school seems to have done me a lot of good. I’m more confident than I was and it seems to have brought a part of my brain out of hibernation. I now feel like I’m a) ready and b) really keen to get back into work full time. I blogged about this before, I’ve not been sure what to do because I want another baby and don’t want to stop and start too much. But we’re not going to be having another baby in the next year, or even trying, so I reckon I’ve … Continue reading →

The Basket That Didn’t Exist

5

This post is kind of over due and a few of you will have seen me harping on about it on twitter, but I feel like I need to get it blogged and have the full story on here as its bloody long & complicated to try and explain in a tweet. In November, I received a Facebook message from the head of department in a school I did some work experience at in 2011, asking me if I was working and saying that although she couldn’t say too much at this stage there may be an opportunity coming up that she thought I’d be perfect for- would I be … Continue reading →

Cold Turkey

3

After about 18 months of antidepressants I have semi decided semi accidentally gone cold turkey. That’s right folks. I am going drug free. I know I’m supposed to see my GP about this but let me explain: I’ve recently finished having weekly counselling sessions and emotionally, I feel in a much stronger place than I have been in a long while. There have been some let downs in terms of trying to get back into work lately, but after a couple of days licking my wounds and feeling disappointed and angry, I reckon I’ve come back fighting and got on with finding out what’s next for me. Of course I was upset… … Continue reading →

My Best Friend

1

Last night I was talking to my best friend and I realised something. It came after a fairly serious conversation. We’d been talking about the operation he needs on his back, how it’ll mean he can’t drive for 4 weeks, how his pay is going to be effected as he’ll need to take some time off. What we’ll do while he can’t drive (I can’t drive full stop and his house is really far away & nowhere near a train station) Our future, when we want to move in together, have another baby.That stuff. We talked as we do, about Chops and his relationship with her. We’ve talked about the … Continue reading →

Mask

Reply

Therapy session number 3. Huge improvement on last time, that’s for sure. I’m sat in a cafe near Chops’ nursery waiting to go and pick her up and giving myself a bit of time to ‘debrief’ and reflect on the last hour. I spoke lots today to Ian about my job, similar things to what I was saying in my post ‘Changing’. I mentioned briefly how I’ve always felt that bar work is a real “Sing for your supper” job. There are both stereotypes and expectations placed on the person you’ll find behind the bar of a lively pub- you expect the staff to be well turned out and you … Continue reading →

Miracle

3

Sometimes, just at random intervals throughout the day, I look at Chops and realise, as if for the first time that this is my Daughter I’m looking at. This astonishes me. Even though I’ve had over two and a half years to get used to it, 3 and a half if you include my pregnancy, sometimes, the fact that I Am A Mother just floors me. I look at Chops doing simple things- raising a glass of milk to her mouth before bed and having a drink and I think “Wow”. How on earth did that little person come from me? It’ll 11.40pm, just 10 minutes ago she woke up coughing (we’ve both … Continue reading →

Changing

2

I think I need a new job. I’ve worked part time in pubs and restaurants on and off for the last 11 years, I’ve done bar work since I was 18. Fair to say it’s starting to get me down. Some of you who follow me on twitter were kind enough to help me last week when I was in work and had a … well I’m not really sure what to call it. A blip? I was working and surrounded by people I like and who like me, and a couple of hundred strangers out enjoying their Saturday nights. And for some reason, that black cloud rolled over me. … Continue reading →