Category Archives: Depression

Cold Turkey

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After about 18 months of antidepressants I have semi decided semi accidentally gone cold turkey. That’s right folks. I am going drug free. I know I’m supposed to see my GP about this but let me explain: I’ve recently finished having weekly counselling sessions and emotionally, I feel in a much stronger place than I have been in a long while. There have been some let downs in terms of trying to get back into work lately, but after a couple of days licking my wounds and feeling disappointed and angry, I reckon I’ve come back fighting and got on with finding out what’s next for me. Of course I was upset… … Continue reading →

Mask

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Therapy session number 3. Huge improvement on last time, that’s for sure. I’m sat in a cafe near Chops’ nursery waiting to go and pick her up and giving myself a bit of time to ‘debrief’ and reflect on the last hour. I spoke lots today to Ian about my job, similar things to what I was saying in my post ‘Changing’. I mentioned briefly how I’ve always felt that bar work is a real “Sing for your supper” job. There are both stereotypes and expectations placed on the person you’ll find behind the bar of a lively pub- you expect the staff to be well turned out and you … Continue reading →

Changing

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I think I need a new job. I’ve worked part time in pubs and restaurants on and off for the last 11 years, I’ve done bar work since I was 18. Fair to say it’s starting to get me down. Some of you who follow me on twitter were kind enough to help me last week when I was in work and had a … well I’m not really sure what to call it. A blip? I was working and surrounded by people I like and who like me, and a couple of hundred strangers out enjoying their Saturday nights. And for some reason, that black cloud rolled over me. … Continue reading →

One Million Reps

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So, on Monday I saw my best bud from uni and took great joy in telling him; “Hey, here’s a sentence we’ve been waiting to hear me say for a while- ‘I’m going to therapy tomorrow!’”. And we had a good laugh and, yeah. Very little else was said about it. That’s the way it is though I suppose. That’s what my blog is for, airing out all the stuff that the real world aren’t really sure how to react to. Yesterday, that something was therapy. Or counselling I suppose. Whatever name you wish to give going to your doctors surgery and chatting to a man you’ve never met for … Continue reading →

Safe

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I’m writing this after watching tonight’s Panorama about Jimmy Saville. About the possibility of unspeakably dark things going on within the BBC, that were gossiped about and suspected by dozens of people. As with anything like this, I watch, I listen, and I think of my beautiful daughter who is asleep upstairs. I won’t pretend to have the monopoly on loving my child. I believe that the love I feel for my daughter is the greatest love ever felt by one human for another. But of course, I realise  each of you parents out there feels the same. But despite the unease this programme has given me, tomorrow, I will … Continue reading →

Image

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Before I start. I’m sorry. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. Not in a pouty, girl posing and saying it for attention way. Really. Before I get my hair sorted and I layer on my make up, when my hair is all matted and frizzy and generally awful and I’ve got pores you could fall into, huge bags under my eyes, and I’m all pasty and grey looking, when I look at myself- my actual self, not the self I spend making myself look like before I go out, it makes me feel horrible. Over the summer, I lost 10lbs and felt great. But … Continue reading →

Help

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Tomorrow I have my first session with the counsellor my GP referred me to a few months ago. I’m very, very nervous. I was diagnosed with depression last October and started on medication. I didn’t accept my GP’s suggestion of counselling for a while after that, I’m still not sure how I feel about it now. It took a long time before the doctor and I managed to get my meds right, but whenever I had a check up the course of the conversation usually just goes along the lines of whether I feel better or worse than the last time she saw me. How are my eating and sleeping … Continue reading →

Millionaire

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Confession time: I think I’m a little bit addicted to ‘playing’ the lottery. Those of you who’ve been reading my blogs for a while or follow me on twitter will probably know that I HATE gambling. I have no time for it whatsoever. After being with a man who would steal my bank card to put money onto poker websites, or who took the back payment of Chops’ child benefit and put the whole lot into a fruit machine, I’ve come to take a fairly strong viewpoint on it. But that doesn’t stop me on Tuesdays & Fridays spending £2 on a Euromillions ticket. I’m not a proper scary addict … Continue reading →

Scars

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On his right arm, my boyfriend G has a number of scars. He has a few in other places too, but the ones on his arm are the ones I’d wondered about. They are lines, two of them horizontal, and a couple of fainter ones diagonally between them, in a sort of backwards ‘Z’ shape. I’ve been wondering about them for a while because given how straight they are, there’s surely only a few ways he could have gotten them; either these are stab wounds, the skin has that slightly puckered, stretched look about it, or they have been done with a razor blade. They are too straight to have … Continue reading →