Category Archives: Chops

Miracle

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Sometimes, just at random intervals throughout the day, I look at Chops and realise, as if for the first time that this is my Daughter I’m looking at. This astonishes me. Even though I’ve had over two and a half years to get used to it, 3 and a half if you include my pregnancy, sometimes, the fact that I Am A Mother just floors me. I look at Chops doing simple things- raising a glass of milk to her mouth before bed and having a drink and I think “Wow”. How on earth did that little person come from me? It’ll 11.40pm, just 10 minutes ago she woke up coughing (we’ve both … Continue reading →

Changing

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I think I need a new job. I’ve worked part time in pubs and restaurants on and off for the last 11 years, I’ve done bar work since I was 18. Fair to say it’s starting to get me down. Some of you who follow me on twitter were kind enough to help me last week when I was in work and had a … well I’m not really sure what to call it. A blip? I was working and surrounded by people I like and who like me, and a couple of hundred strangers out enjoying their Saturday nights. And for some reason, that black cloud rolled over me. … Continue reading →

Last Text Of The Day

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Before I go to sleep tonight, I have just picked up my phone and sent a quick text to my Mum, letting her know that Chops is sound asleep, we are both ok and Chops has not been poorly this evening. As I put my phone down I feel that pang in my chest. Sadness, rage, loss, disappointment, confusion, fury and so many other emotions hit me in the chest for just a fraction of a second, as it crossed my mind, however briefly that you have no idea about this. I text my Mum last night before bed, we spoke today before her lesson so I could relay what … Continue reading →

Safe

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I’m writing this after watching tonight’s Panorama about Jimmy Saville. About the possibility of unspeakably dark things going on within the BBC, that were gossiped about and suspected by dozens of people. As with anything like this, I watch, I listen, and I think of my beautiful daughter who is asleep upstairs. I won’t pretend to have the monopoly on loving my child. I believe that the love I feel for my daughter is the greatest love ever felt by one human for another. But of course, I realise  each of you parents out there feels the same. But despite the unease this programme has given me, tomorrow, I will … Continue reading →

Dear Louise…

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Dear Louise (Yes. Louise. Remember that?) First of all, I miss you. It’s been a lot longer than usual since I last saw you, not since the day after your wedding. I hope you’re ok and bump is doing well. I can’t believe how fast it seems to be going this time. Secondly, I hope we can manage to talk about all of these things and start talking to each other properly again. You’ve been my best friend for 10 years, I know things are bound to change and our lives are very different to how they used to be, but I miss speaking to you the way I used to. … Continue reading →

Absent Familiy

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You probably know if you’ve read my blog before (I thank you) that I’m not in contact with my daughters father, (if not it’s here if you need bringing up to speed). I’m very lucky in that I have both of my parents nearby, Mum in Buxton, 5 minutes away from me and her husband, and Dad in Manchester with his wife and two step-sisters. My sister lives in Buxton, as do my Aunt and three cousins. My brother has been living on the Isle of Skye for the last 7 months but now he’s back and living in Buxton too. So I’m lucky. Her Dad might have opted out but … Continue reading →

Meeting You

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You were due on a Tuesday. 13th April 2010. I was huge, as you are at 9 months pregnant. We lived with your Dad still, I won’t talk too much about that aspect of it right now though. We have all the time you need for you to talk about that and ask the questions I’m sure you will one day have. The phone was going mental, people texting every five minutes to ask if you were here yet. Erm, no. Oddly enough, when I have, I won’t be keeping it a secret. I’d cleaned the house, washed everything, washed and dried your clothes, ironed them, organised them into drawers… … Continue reading →

Ghosts

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A conversation on Twitter with Alison Daly (@alidaly40) got me thinking last night about ghosts & the supernatural. I’ve actually been thinking about ghosts a little this week already as it happens. Chops has suddenly reached the stage where, out of nowhere she has become afraid of the dark. She is also frightened of owls, monsters & ghosts. I don’t know where this has come from, it started about 3 weeks ago and no matter how I racked my brain I couldn’t think of what had set her off. All of a sudden, out of nowhere she would come running to me, inside the house in the middle of the … Continue reading →

Bedtime

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I need a milk. Mummy where’s Ruffus gone? Can I have another cuddle? I bumped my finger can you kiss it better please? Where’s my blanket? It’s not bedtime, yet! I’m not lying down. Mummy can I have a snack? Where’s the music gone? Why is it dark outside? NIGHT NIGHT MUMMY!! (sits up grinning) Can I have some of your drink? What you doing Mummy? Can I have another story? Can I have my socks on? Mummy… ? (expectant pause) I need a snack! Can I phone Gan-dad? Where’s  my nummy(dummy) gone? I don’t like this teddy bear. Is it breakfast time? NIGHT NIGHT MUMMY! Yeah. You’ve been there … Continue reading →