Before I go to sleep tonight, I have just picked up my phone and sent a quick text to my Mum, letting her know that Chops is sound asleep, we are both ok and Chops has not been poorly this evening. As I put my phone down I feel that pang in my chest.
Sadness, rage, loss, disappointment, confusion, fury and so many other emotions hit me in the chest for just a fraction of a second, as it crossed my mind, however briefly that you have no idea about this. I text my Mum last night before bed, we spoke today before her lesson so I could relay what the doctor had said, reassure that her grandchild was well. G called, to find out if we’d been yet, was she ok, how was she feeling today. My sister text. My Dad called. Strangers I have never met in person but who know the ins and outs of your daughters life sent messages today, as they have over the past week to ask how she is, hoping that she is well and we have had a restful day. There should have been another phone call. Another message to reply to, where instead, there is and will always be, a void.
She is YOUR DAUGHTER.
And yet you have no idea. She is well, of course. But that feeling, that fear that made it necessary for me to leave work for a while on Saturday night, that made me go and sit crying in the toilets because I couldn’t be with her while she was not well, I carry that alone and that is not right. It sickens me that you have turned your back, that you act as if she does not exist, that this month it has been TWO YEARS since you sent so much as an email to enquire after your child.
I feel sickened and I feel pained and I feel guilty. She is the most wonderful little girl you could ever hope to meet. Everyone thinks so. The women who work on the checkouts in our local supermarkets know her by name, chat to her, ask after her when we arrive and she is sleeping in her pram. You could have had the privilege to know her and you have turned away. I feel guilty that she is so wonderful, yet I have failed her and created a world of questions and uncertainty about where she came from that one day, she will want an explanation for.
How can you live with yourself?
Your daughter grows, learns, loves, brings joy and more love than I could have imagined to me and everyone around her every single day and you have turned away.
I won’t ever understand.