Tonight has been one of those evenings where my mind has been haunted by memories of my past relationships. This happens to me quite a lot. Not so much about Chops’ Dad, that comes in fits and bursts throughout the day, I am attacked by those memories several times daily still but I am getting better at pushing them aside. Tonight I’ve been thinking about D.
We were together less than a year, we had two break ups in that year. I feel over him now but it haunts my mind when I think about that relationship. I didn’t think that after everything that happened with Chops’ Dad that I would allow a boyfriend to take advantage of me, or that I would settle for less than I deserved. But settling I was. And despite plenty of people- on my blog as much as anywhere else- telling me that I needed to let it go, it clearly wasn’t right for me or making me happy, I would not listen. It worries me a bit if I’m honest. Numerous times, all the bloody time in fact, D would tell me that “I love you but I’m not sure that this is what I want” and that ‘he loved me but wasn’t sure if I was the one’. I mean really? Why did I take such bullshit? Stupidity? Hope? Chronically low self esteem? And it never occured to me during the course of the relationship that actually that wasn’t good enough and if he ‘wasn’t sure’ I should just get rid. Because I loved him. Or thought I loved him.
I wish I could fully believe myself when I make the excuse of after my previous relationship, of course I thought D was wonderful. I mean don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad person, he’s selfish, hugely immature and egotistical but not a bad person. What he wanted was regular sex and a girlfriend at his beck and call when he wanted one- I fit that description because of my circumstances- I’m at home with my daughter every evening so if he wanted to come over, he could. However, he wasn’t ever going to be honest with himself or with me that that was all he wanted. He talked the talk about being ready to settle down, wanting to spend his life with me, marriage, more children. It’s worth mentioning here that before me, D was in a near 3 year long distance relationship with a woman who (he found out after 9 months together) was in fact married. So, another ‘relationship’ that wasn’t going to be putting too much pressure on him any time soon.
Enough of that anyway. My point was that D wasn’t the first relationship I’ve had where I got made to feel pretty worthless but kept going back for more. I just can’t help myself. It’s like I decide what I want and I absolutely labour away at it, ignoring every warning that I should be running the other way.
I feel like I’ve finally broken the pattern with G. I couldn’t ask to be loved more than he loves me. I won’t say more than that.