Last night I was talking to my best friend and I realised something. It came after a fairly serious conversation. We’d been talking about the operation he needs on his back, how it’ll mean he can’t drive for 4 weeks, how his pay is going to be effected as he’ll need to take some time off. What we’ll do while he can’t drive (I can’t drive full stop and his house is really far away & nowhere near a train station) Our future, when we want to move in together, have another baby.That stuff.
We talked as we do, about Chops and his relationship with her. We’ve talked about the possibility of him adopting her if such a thing can be done.And I asked him, hesitantly, “If we were to get married, and I got hit by a bus, would you look after Chops?” His answer nearly killed me. He looked at me and said, “Well, I’d look after you first, seeing as you know, you’ve just been hit by a bus!”. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I still am. I realised last night, alongside a few realisations that have been coming to me recently that despite when I’m with G, I feel the way I did when I was with my boyfriend when I was 18. Before I went to uni, we had a long summer together, we both had jobs but still lived with parents. We had little if any responsibility. We went out several times a week, we drank, danced, went to gigs, slumped over McDonalds breakfasts the following day. We would get in the car at any time of day or night and drive, drive anywhere. Often to the beach- 2 hours from where we lived, even in the middle of the night. We laughed all day long.
I realised that G has become this to me. Even though now, my life could not be more different. My 2 year old daughter sleeps in the next room, I have a house to keep on top of, I’m looking for full time work, I’m struggling with depression and anxiety, I have survived an abusive relationship… all of which have changed me from the frankly, cocky girl with pink hair I was at 18 into someone else. But I laugh with him. I laugh and realise that actually… you really can fall in love with your best friend.
I realised while we lay together laughing as we do every night that the girl with pink hair who knew how to laugh and make the most of her life is still me. With him I feel like her again, but a new version of her who can take things in her stride the 18 year old one could never have imagined. Sometimes it feels like just the opposite of that. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. But I have my Chops, my princess, my darling girl, who has saved me from the floods. And now, with G, it feels like actually, I might just be able to stay afloat in this ocean.