Sometimes, just at random intervals throughout the day, I look at Chops and realise, as if for the first time that this is my Daughter I’m looking at. This astonishes me. Even though I’ve had over two and a half years to get used to it, 3 and a half if you include my pregnancy, sometimes, the fact that I Am A Mother just floors me. I look at Chops doing simple things- raising a glass of milk to her mouth before bed and having a drink and I think “Wow”. How on earth did that little person come from me? It’ll 11.40pm, just 10 minutes ago she woke up coughing (we’ve both been fighting off various bugs for the last couple of weeks- damned nursery freshers flu) and I went in to her bedroom to give her a cuddle and re-settle her. As I said goodnight again she held her hand out to me and said “Hold my hand please Mummy”. Such a simple request, but it melted my heart. Sometimes, the knowledge, the privilege that for now, I am all she needs to feel safe and happy takes my breath away. I know that one day, this will change. Every day, she grows up a little more and the time will come when she goes out into the wider world without me and doesn’t need me the way she does now.
But for now, I am honoured. I never knew that just watching someone growing could be so enchanting. While I was lying on the sofa earlier today feeling sorry for myself, Chops dug a sachet of Calpol out of my handbag and brought it too me, “Here you go Mummy! It’s your medicine!” She gave me a big cuddle and said “Are you feeling better now Mummy?”.
For all my complaining, for all the times I moan about being tired and how bloody hard it is being a parent- a single parent at that- let me say now: My Daughter, is a miracle. I am blessed to know her and I thank God for her every day.
Saying ‘Cheese!!’ at Chester Zoo this summer.