Tomorrow I have my first session with the counsellor my GP referred me to a few months ago. I’m very, very nervous. I was diagnosed with depression last October and started on medication. I didn’t accept my GP’s suggestion of counselling for a while after that, I’m still not sure how I feel about it now.

It took a long time before the doctor and I managed to get my meds right, but whenever I had a check up the course of the conversation usually just goes along the lines of whether I feel better or worse than the last time she saw me. How are my eating and sleeping habits? And of course, the obligatory “Any thoughts of self harm or suicide?”. I have never felt like I want to kill myself. I have self harmed, but it has been years. Despite everything and how low I sometimes get, I am not ill enough thank god that I cannot clearly see how much Chops needs me. Thank God. I know it can get that bad.

But since the early appointments where I had to describe my symptoms to my GP I haven’t had to talk about how I feel that much. It isn’t easy. I have spoken to G about it, but not very much. He is good, he listens, asks questions. But I find it difficult to articulate how this feels. That’s where my blog has been my saviour. On here, I don’t have to make eye contact, or watch for how the person I’m speaking to responds. I don’t have to worry that they might judge what I’m saying.

I still struggle at times to be around men I don’t know and the counsellor I’ll be seeing is a man. Whenever I make a doctors appointment, I ask to see a woman. I did think about doing this with seeing a counsellor, but I know I have to overcome this fear. So tomorrow I’ll have to go and sit in a room for an hour, with a man I’ve never met and talk.

I’m terrified.