After a brief musing about this last night on twitter and admitting I need to give it some thought, I decided to go into a little more depth and ask you, my gorgeous readers what you think.
I should warn you now this is bound to turn into a bit of a Bridget Jones/Sex & The City style analysis so any blokey types this might not be for you… (Not that I kid myself my writing is anywhere near that talented just in case that comes off wrong!).
After the horrible break up with my horrible ex which I talked about in Surviving, I was obviously single for a while, rebuilding my confidence and getting myself and Snoo settled into our new home together. Then in March I met D. I won’t bore you with the how we met and fell in love etc etc part. What I will say is that in him, for a while, I thought I had found the beginning of my happy ending.
But unfortunately, after just 9 months we are running into troubles. I would like to say here and now that D is a good man. Nothing that you read here is meant as a criticism of him, as that is not where the problem lies. The problem lies in the fact that we lead very different lives and making the changes to make them more compatible so that we might hope to build a future together is proving hard. I live in one town, with my daughter and our home is that of a family. I never quite have enough money (who does?) but we manage. I can’t drive and even if I could I couldn’t afford to run a car anyway. D lives a 45 minute drive away with his brother, they own their house whereas I rent and it’s very much a ‘lads house’. He co-owns his own business and makes good money from it and has just bought a brand new car.
As a 29 year old man, with no responsibilities, the bills all paid and money in his pocket, D can do pretty much whatever and when he likes. His main commitment is his job, which I have to admit is almost as great a commitment as my child. We works six sometimes seven days a week, often still working at 10 o’clock at night although he works from home so this isn’t as bad as it sounds initially.
Now I make no criticism of D in that he works hard and does well for himself, of course I don’t. I feel proud of him for his commitment and his drive. The problem is that between the distance, my daughter and his job we don’t get to see each other very often. Usually once or twice a week. If we see each other on a week night he usually gets here around 8pm and it doesn’t take long before we’re in bed for the night. And then he’ll usually try to come round on a Sunday. We always seem to plan to spend the full day together but I can’t remember the last time it happened that way, usually his job keeps him tied home until the early evening and quite often he can’t make it until after Snoo is in bed.
I know how ungrateful I might sound, I do consider myself very lucky to have met someone so special but if I’m completely honest with myself I’m not sure how happy I am with how this relationship runs on a day to day basis. Part of what I had had to admit to myself around the time that we met was that I was beginning to feel lonely, particularly in the evenings. Don’t get me wrong, I know all the bullshit about ‘I shouldn’t need a man to be happy’ blah blah blah. And I don’t think I do. But I also don’t plan to spend the rest of my life alone and I do enjoy having his company, when I have it. I fear I’m beginning to feel unhappy because due to the restraints of his job, we don’t see each other as much as I’d like and quite often I don’t actually hear from him all day. He will simply be too busy to answer his phone, or he reads my message and because he’s wrapped up in something he forgets to reply if he doesn’t do it that very second. So although I’m not alone, I have Snoo and I have a boyfriend, I do feel very much alone because despite that, I’m still sat by myself with only my laptop for company most evenings.
This becomes a problem when it becomes clear that I would like to see some sort of intention on both of out parts for this to change, for us to see each other more but D has made it very clear that he is happy with how things are at the moment. He wants us to live together and have a future ‘one day’ but doesn’t know when that will be. He loves Snoo, he feels entirely happy about the prospect of one day treating her as she was his own daughter, but he is not ready to take on the changes to his life that that would require ‘yet’.
The other side of this of course is that Snoo knows and loves D, but if we do not have a realistic chance of a future together then I am risking her getting close to someone who might not be around in the long run and that isn’t good enough. She is only 21 months old now but the longer this situation continues, the greater her awareness of things becomes, the more affected she could be by change.
And so I feel stuck. I love him, but I do not love that when I am alone because I can’t get hold of him or he has cancelled our plans I feel much worse than I used to when I was on my own every night for months when I first came to live here. I have done being lonely because I was meant to be alone and being lonely because I have been let down and I know which one is harder. I want him and I want to be patient. But I also want to have someone I can spend my time with in the evenings. I want to be able to pick the phone up and talk to the person I’m with when there’s something on my mind. I want to be able to speak honestly about the things that I want, about my own career plans and not just the immediate implications of someone elses. I want to be understood that although it has been my haven, in my darkest moments my house can also feel like a prison when I am trapped and alone with only my own thoughts. I want things which realistically are not going to happen in this relationship, potentially for years.
So my question is this… When is enough, enough? Am I being unreasonable in wanting things to move forward- not for us to move in together or anything like that, that would be foolish and it’s too soon- but I would like to feel like he wants to be around me instead of feeling, if I’m brutally honest, like a hobby being kept at arms length. Should I wait, accept that things will progress naturally in their own time, or do I decide to admit that if I’m not totally happy now I should be brave enough to stop that from continuing?
I really would love your advice…
Love Snoo & Me