Despite it all. Despite what it became. Despite the fear.

Sometimes.

I remember that I loved you. We created a child together. Sometimes I cannot escape that without you I would not have her.

That’s when it hurts the most.

In the beginning, even then, I knew I should stay away. Even then, so much did not add up. But I wanted you, was intrigued by you, drawn in by you. You were so charming, handsome, intelligent it seemed. We created our little club of two. I still remember standing outside the office with you, drawing smoke into my lungs though it made me feel sick. Absorbing every word you said, determined to make you mine.

When I remember now, I feel ashamed.

The way I flirted with you shamelessly, how I believed everything you said readily, wanting it to be true.

No matter how clear it is now that it was all lies, no matter how much evidence I found to prove it, then I ignored the signs, continued blindly towards you. I had become sick of being alone. You were here & now, I knew I could have you if I wanted you. I always got what I wanted then.

In all this time, I have learnt to say, to think “My Daughter”.

“Our Daughter” are not words I allow myself to consider.

She is mine now, you have made your choice. But sometimes, the knowledge that you are out there somewhere still, pierces me, sickens me. We could have had everything. We were happy for a while.

But even now, I know that wasn’t true. You were never happy with me. Once you had me you became obsessed that I might leave. I was all you had you said. That is not the way to love someone.

I KNOW it was you. I KNOW I was not to blame. Nothing can make what you did ok. But sometimes, still. I wonder what I did. If I had been different somehow.

But I did love you. Enough to believe that if, despite everything, despite it being what I did not want the, believing that if we went ahead and brought this child into the world, it would be ok. I tried so hard for you. I hate you but sometimes, sometimes it still makes me cry to think of what could have been. Could we ever have been happy? Could we have raised our child together, been a normal family?

I know we suffocated each other. I still believe somehow that I must have made it worse for you than you did for me. Why else would you do those things to me? I deserved it you said. I know no-one deserves THAT. But I must have done something.

 These moments are fleeting. I have learnt from your words then, and your silence now that I had to escape.

But she is still ours. 

I will never know how you turned your back. How you walked away and chose not to know her.

They say it is your loss, but how can it be loss when you so clearly feel you have lost nothing. You carry on without her, without the sheer joy of her that fills my heart and my life everyday.

I will take one cell of you and carry if with me. One good thing from the darkness grew inside me to come out and make this world a better place.

I will take the pain, fear, sorrow that I felt.

Through her I will take the only good that ever came from you and watch it become beautiful. Her beauty blinds me to what she came from. In her I see good triumph evil.