Last night, I got into a conversation with my boyfriend which somehow spiralled from a gentle piss take into something far more serious. Without realising, I had provoked a conversation I hadn’t even realised we had been waiting to have again until it started.
All couples at some point I’m sure, think and or talk about the future. The dreaded “where is this going” stuff. Other than with the boy I was in love with from around 13 to 21, whenever I had “normal” relationships (heavy stress on those quotation marks) in the past it never seemed to matter. I’ve mentioned before that I do seem to fall in love easily, but I’ve grown up a whole lot since Chops came along.
Now that she is here though, the “where is this going?” question has been on my mind right from the start. It has to be. I have too much at stake now.
I met D through a dating website, I don’t mind admitting that. It seemed that as I’d met Chops’ Dad in work, where there was no alcohol or drugs involved, we’d gotten to know each other over a period of time etc and we knew people in common and look how That turned out. Frankly, unless I happened to pick someone up online who happened to be a rapist, murderer or paedophile then they probably wouldn’t be worse than him. Meeting people online and finding out about each other seems safer to me than going on a night out with friends, drinking, exchanging numbers with a total stranger or perhaps even going home with someone you don’t know.
So we met, it progressed, got to know each other, fell in love and all that stuff. He of course knew right from the off about Chops, he knew which town I lived in and that it was 45 minutes drive from him. He knew what he was getting into. He was not deterred by me having a child he said.
That was in March last year. We’d meant to take it slow but the “I love you” declaration came quickly.
Now it is March again, we are closing in on a year and we have hit a wall.
In a nutshell, we have had several breakdowns along the way, relating to how D feels about our long term prospects. The reality is, if I’m going to be with him, I have to know there is the potential of us working out long term. Otherwise there is no point effectively. I don’t want to involve someone in my Daughters life who may suddenly disappear down the line.
And now faced with the reality of it, he is not sure.
We love each other. At the moment, things are going well. But I didn’t get into a relationship to continue my circumstances as they are, I want that possibility of a future. I want to know that this will be worthwhile.
During this conversation last night D admitted that although we have been through this before and thought we had sorted it out, he still feels very afraid, and uncertain about whether he feels confident that he will be happy down the line. He saw himself the way I suppose everyone does, starting a relationship with someone, taking it at your own pace and moving on to living together, marriage, kids when you both felt ready. He didn’t imagine getting into a relationship and there already being a child involved, and although the theory of it did not bother him, having got to know us both and the situation better he now realises fully that if he does not get this right he could make a mess of his own life, my life, but more importantly, he could make a mess of my little girls life.
I understand this. It is a huge commitment, taking on a child and to take on a child that is not yours and treat them as if they were must be terrifying, especially if you don’t have any of your own.
But what that means is that if this is the case, I cannot and should not continue. I do not wish to criticise D in any way. This is not about that. But I need to look after myself and respect myself. I deserve to be with someone who looks at me and what I have to offer and thinks “WOW. This girl is AWESOME” or something along those lines. And is prepared to do what it takes to make me happy and to keep me in his life. I deserve that. I don’t want to compromise the love that I have in my life. If I stay with someone who is “not quite sure” if this is what he wants then I would be selling myself short. And if we continued, I could find myself in a situation where 10 years from now he discovers that his gut was right. He is not happy. And leaves. And then my heart would be broken, but so would my daughters. I cannot risk that happening.
Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic, perhaps I have set my hopes too high. But I feel that if you love someone, I mean really love them, then you do what it takes to make it work. You make the changes in your life to help make the relationship more compatible, to allow it to move forward.
I cannot stay, knowing that we do not feel the same.
Now. If someone could just hide those Adele CD’s that’d be great…
Thanks for reading,