Last night I did just that.
It feels self indulgent to keep tweeting and keep writing about this, I have friends that have been through so much more in their relationships. But that’s the thing.
The things that happen in life. The real things. That shake you to the core.
They are the most mundane of things. Everyone experiences them, millions of us, every day. We say “I’m happy for you!”, “Congratulations!”, “I’m so sorry…”, “Plenty more fish in the sea…”. The words leave our lips and often, although we feel a brief insight into the another persons elation or despair, they barely touch us because they happen every day.
But somehow, this does not make it any easier to contain when it happens to us. These four things touch you when they happen and they grip you tight. You want to share them and that is natural.
For me right now, it is the third. I have been with him less than a year, and I know I am partly to blame for allowing myself to hang so much on it. I really did think for a while that this could work out.
We have not fallen out. Neither of us can be blamed. It’s just sad. I feel exhausted by the whole thing.
I met someone who it felt, was all the things I wanted. You want someone who makes you giggle, who you can hang out with like your friend, who you feel safe when they have their arms around you. Who you trust.
For me, after my last relationship with Chops’ Dad I added a few more things to that list and of course, what I’m looking for had to become more complicated. The person that I’m with would have to be prepared to take on my Daughter and love her as if she were his own. To feel confident that in the future, if we had another child together he would treat both of them exactly the same.
I know it seems ridiculous that at the start of every relationship I would already be thinking, “Is there a future with this man?” but now that I have Chops it has to be that way. I do not want to introduce someone into her life who could disappear without warning.
D knows this. I know how scary that must be for him but at first, it looked good. He loves me, he loves Chops.
Even after last night, this morning when he left he took my Daughter in the car with him and drove her the 45 minutes to her Granddads to save me the journey. He is a good man. The sort of man who even though we have our problems and no he is not perfect, but the sort of man I wanted.
If you asked me the thing that are important to me, I could tick the box next to his name for every one of them.
But. There always is isn’t there? He loves me. He wants to be with me. He wants a future with me.
But he is afraid. He is not sure how far into our future he can continue feeling happy.
He is not confident that this will be the right decision for him, it scares him and he is afraid that if it is not right, one day he will end up breaking my heart and ruining my little girls life by destroying her home.
So that’s that. I cannot continue without the hope of a future. I cannot drag something out knowing that in five years, he may still not be sure and the damage would be worse.
I’ve told him that I cannot carry on and we have cried.
This feeling is weighing me down today. How strange how mundane it is to everyone else when I pour my heart out.