Emotions are a real bitch aren’t they? I’m serious. All this stuff in our heads and hearts, all the crap we experience every day, and what is it? Chemicals mainly. Hormones. Reactions and the receptors in our brains.
Well I’m currently taking pills for that, to try and prevent my brain from being overly receptive to certain reactions and sending me into downwards spirals of all sorts of crap. It pisses me off though. Why can’t I control it? The only reason I’m writing right now is because I had a panic-anxiety attack type thing just now and I was Planning on Getting An Early Night! (If you’re a parent, you probably understand the need for those capital letters right there.) I’ve been in bed since what, 8.30? It’s now gone 11. How infuriating.
I have a little girl in the next room who will be 2 in a few weeks, and her emotions lead her towards a desire to shake her funky stuff to the Peppa Pig music at 6am. I don’t have time for sitting up at night, sounding like someone on a sex line with raspy, heavy breathing, panting ever so slightly because my chest feels so tight.
I wonder if these things are connected? I often find sex to be a very good solution to feelings like this (or a good distraction anyway) but there you have the perfect irony. Because unless I want to hop into bed with someone I barely know, I just signed myself up for a period of no sex, the duration of which has not yet been agreed. I know right? Hahahahahahahaha.
I’m fucking proud of myself though. I nearly didn’t manage it as we had such a good day together BUT I finally (half) explained my Eureka moment to the boy. Explained that I felt I ‘could not continue down this path’ etc etc and that I felt a little bit (well, a lot but I couldn’t be so blunt to him) taken advantage of. Unfortunately, I did not feel elated and empowered as I had hoped. I will not be found stood wearing high heels and something sassy (I don’t know what. Just some thing “Sassy”. You think of something) doing my best Beyonce “All The Single Ladies” dance.
No. Unfortunately I feel like all the air has gone out of me. Making a very whiney noise as it went. He’s a good man my ex-boy. I know some of you will disagree but he is. So now that he knows this, if it is made clear that I want him to, he will keep away. He offered to call me tonight to see if I was ok, I said no. So I know now he won’t call. He may text to offer something kind but if I told him not to do that either he wouldn’t.
It just makes me feel sad. All the hope I had been carrying, growing inside me, holding out its arms and tempting me to nurture it, to Hope. For what this could have become has withered up and died.
So from tomorrow, I will be making a resounding effort to refocus on She Who Matters Most. My Chops. Tomorrow is Our Mothers Day as today has been kind of taken over. I need to put the heartbreak and all the shitty chemicals that it has spilled all over me to one side and get me some lovely, Chops cuddles and happy times with my girl type chemicals. I know we’ll never run low on those.
Love Sara xxx