Hello Blog… it’s been a while and all that *exchanges pleasantries*
I’ve had a spot of time away from writing, largely because, well do you know, I’ve been feeling so much better of late. Been keeping busy, changed my meds and they appear to be working! But anyway…
Yes. Tonight I’ve been doing a spot of that thar facebook/google stalking. Don’t tell me you don’t do it.
But I have to confess, I have taken it to a level of scary stalking that I don’t really like to admit to and I wanted to share with you what I do and get your ideas on it.
The subject of my stalking is Chops’ father. When we split up, I deleted and blocked him on facebook, I changed my email, I did all sorts to try and prevent him from having any information about my life that wasn’t given to him by me directly. I haven’t changed my number so if he wants to get in touch and find out how his child is he can… but of course he hasn’t.
After a while though, not knowing what he was doing and only having information given to me by him started to bug me so (scary confession coming up) I set up another account, with a fake name, fake pictures… etc etc…. What’s even more scary is that I have over 100 friends on there… frightening that people will add someone who they’ve never met because THEY DO NOT EXIST but hey ho. Mark will add anyone on FB, he has no real life friends but is OBSESSED with how others perceive him so wants to appear popular & will add total strangers. So as I knew he would, he added me and this has allowed me to keep a basic idea of what he’s doing- this is how I know that he moved in with someone else 6 weeks after we split up. He rarely uses it any more and my stalking had calmed down from checking up on him once every few weeks to perhaps once every 3 or 4 months. But I still take a look…just in case I find out he’d had another child or something mainly.
On a scale of 1-10, how bad is this? I know it’s obsessive, unhealthy and downright scary behaviour but I kind of feel I have a clear idea in my head of why I do it. He wouldn’t tell me what he’s doing himself and there are certain things I feel I need to keep tabs on in order to prepare/protect myself from any particular bombshells he may be about to drop.
Tonight, I threw his name into google and he came up on a company website… it seems that he started a new job 4 days ago.
Now, this information I feel, does somewhat justify my stalking.
Mark has paid less than £20 in Child Maintenance since Chops was born. When he goes back on the dole (he’s been on and off it for about 4 years but thats another story) they deduct money from it & it gets sent to me. A whole £1.67 a week. Oh yes.
So now that I know he’s working I can contact the CSA & inform them.
Now, here’s another dilemma. I don’t want his money. I don’t want anything to do with him. But I also don’t want him to be able to have brought this child into the world and there be ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCE for him whatsoever. It’s just wrong on so many levels that as far as he is concerned, she never happened. It makes my blood boil. I want him to pay in some way, even if it’s just him being a bit less flush at the end of the month. Surely that’s only right? It’s not for me, it’s for her… if he paid anything I’d stick it in a savings account or something, we manage without it so far.
What do you lot think? Yes I’m crazy, yes I’m a mad, bunny boiling stalker, but yes I have a little girl and her father acts like she doesn’t exist. So is it so weird that I want to know what he’s filling his life with that isn’t her?
I’m not going to stop doing it by the way, so don’t say I should.