Tag Archives: Chops

Miracle

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Sometimes, just at random intervals throughout the day, I look at Chops and realise, as if for the first time that this is my Daughter I’m looking at. This astonishes me. Even though I’ve had over two and a half years to get used to it, 3 and a half if you include my pregnancy, sometimes, the fact that I Am A Mother just floors me. I look at Chops doing simple things- raising a glass of milk to her mouth before bed and having a drink and I think “Wow”. How on earth did that little person come from me? It’ll 11.40pm, just 10 minutes ago she woke up coughing (we’ve both … Continue reading →

Regrets

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Tonight has been one of those evenings where my mind has been haunted by memories of my past relationships. This happens to me quite a lot. Not so much about Chops’ Dad, that comes in fits and bursts throughout the day, I am attacked by those memories several times daily still but I am getting better at pushing them aside. Tonight I’ve been thinking about D. We were together less than a year, we had two break ups in that year. I feel over him now but it haunts my mind when I think about that relationship. I didn’t think that after everything that happened with Chops’ Dad that I … Continue reading →

Last Text Of The Day

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Before I go to sleep tonight, I have just picked up my phone and sent a quick text to my Mum, letting her know that Chops is sound asleep, we are both ok and Chops has not been poorly this evening. As I put my phone down I feel that pang in my chest. Sadness, rage, loss, disappointment, confusion, fury and so many other emotions hit me in the chest for just a fraction of a second, as it crossed my mind, however briefly that you have no idea about this. I text my Mum last night before bed, we spoke today before her lesson so I could relay what … Continue reading →

The Good Parent Guide.

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This post is actually going to come with a dedication. Why the heck not. This post is to everyone who has ever looked despairingly at their child(ren) or their own reflection in the mirror and thought “Am I doing this right?” Or even “I’m really not doing this right!”. But especially, this is dedicated to my friend Rachel aka Mummy Glitzer. I have spent many, and I do mean many, many, many MANY hours in the last three years worrying. About my capabilities as a parent. I wonder if perhaps, I feel that burden weighs heavier on my shoulders as I’m a single parent and therefore I have to be two people’s … Continue reading →

Safe

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I’m writing this after watching tonight’s Panorama about Jimmy Saville. About the possibility of unspeakably dark things going on within the BBC, that were gossiped about and suspected by dozens of people. As with anything like this, I watch, I listen, and I think of my beautiful daughter who is asleep upstairs. I won’t pretend to have the monopoly on loving my child. I believe that the love I feel for my daughter is the greatest love ever felt by one human for another. But of course, I realise  each of you parents out there feels the same. But despite the unease this programme has given me, tomorrow, I will … Continue reading →

Dear Louise…

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Dear Louise (Yes. Louise. Remember that?) First of all, I miss you. It’s been a lot longer than usual since I last saw you, not since the day after your wedding. I hope you’re ok and bump is doing well. I can’t believe how fast it seems to be going this time. Secondly, I hope we can manage to talk about all of these things and start talking to each other properly again. You’ve been my best friend for 10 years, I know things are bound to change and our lives are very different to how they used to be, but I miss speaking to you the way I used to. … Continue reading →

Absent Familiy

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You probably know if you’ve read my blog before (I thank you) that I’m not in contact with my daughters father, (if not it’s here if you need bringing up to speed). I’m very lucky in that I have both of my parents nearby, Mum in Buxton, 5 minutes away from me and her husband, and Dad in Manchester with his wife and two step-sisters. My sister lives in Buxton, as do my Aunt and three cousins. My brother has been living on the Isle of Skye for the last 7 months but now he’s back and living in Buxton too. So I’m lucky. Her Dad might have opted out but … Continue reading →

Meeting You

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You were due on a Tuesday. 13th April 2010. I was huge, as you are at 9 months pregnant. We lived with your Dad still, I won’t talk too much about that aspect of it right now though. We have all the time you need for you to talk about that and ask the questions I’m sure you will one day have. The phone was going mental, people texting every five minutes to ask if you were here yet. Erm, no. Oddly enough, when I have, I won’t be keeping it a secret. I’d cleaned the house, washed everything, washed and dried your clothes, ironed them, organised them into drawers… … Continue reading →

Overwhelmed

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Today G and I took Chops to look around a nursery. Our first choice is now taking places for entry in September 2013 so off we went to take a look and start the process of getting her name down. The visit went well, but it has left my head kind of swimming. Chops is 3 in April, so will get her 15 hours government funding from September. Once she’s in nursery, I plan to either return to full time work or embark upon my PGCE Qualification. That in itself is a huge decision and whenever I start to really think about it, I start to go cross eyed, I … Continue reading →